


Old Moldy Parchments

by Mc_Mimi



Series: Misplaced Causes and their Effects [1]
Category: Marvel (Movies), The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Author's sad attempt at being humorous, F/M, M/M, Warning: Loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-27
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-12-03 19:17:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/701745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mc_Mimi/pseuds/Mc_Mimi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki stops where he feels the power of old magic coming from a tattered scroll thrown open on the floor of the library from the blast.  He bends down to retrieve it just as the Avengers are walking in... They demand that he turn himself in, blah, blah, blah.  He rolls his eyes and calmly starts to read the runes but it is horrifying…</p><p>A story with Loki, wide brim hats, and hopelessly turned on mortals.  Too bad the big guy with the hammer is <i>always</i> around.</p><p>Updated 3/25/2013</p><p>Many, many errors corrected.<br/>And I vow to stop pressing the "Post Without Preview" button.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A New Requisition From Norway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He smirks and takes a peek around the hole in the wall and sees the Hulk is still smashing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATED 3/25/13
> 
> I went through the whole thing and corrected the many, many errors I left when I was clicking that 'post without preview' button. My bad.

Loki Laufeyson cackles from the top of New York’s newest museum which is in ruins after he and Dr. Doom have crashed a giant robot into the side of the building. While Doom battles the Avengers (trying to make sense of why his own bots have started targeting him), Loki walks into the museum’s new library that now has a big brick-blown-out door. He confidently removes his helmet and walks around looking for the parchment advertised on the banners that once hung outside on the building's columns. He smirks and takes a peek around the hole in the wall and sees the Hulk is still smashing, even though the banners are wrapped around him and with Loki’s spell they keep encircling the green monster, one of them constantly trailing under his foot like bathroom tissue paper.

He smirks and sets his helm down, crouching low to look through some debris, “Banner wrapped in banners. I hope Thor allows himself to laugh at that one.”

Outside, Thor stops and notices the predicament his big green friend is in. He does indeed laugh, so Hulk punches him with a free hand and Thor lands some five blocks away.

Loki is still looking around for the artifact. Earlier in the week, he dreamt about it. Then while walking through Italy he saw an article about the recent find from an archaeological dig in Norway. Something about it felt like old magic, so strong he felt drawn to it for the last couple of days. So he hopped along with Doom’s plan to steal some rather stupid technology in display at the museum’s grand opening. Then of course he betrayed Doom at the first chance just to watch all the havoc outside while he would walk away with something completely unrelated.

The last two years have been really amusing and frustrating both, since he escaped his Asgard prison because he knows that Thor probably set him free when he realized his brother was going to be executed. That is a thorn in Loki’s side but he doesn’t care, he makes up for it by reminding the stupid oaf every day to regret having set Loki free in the first place.

Loki stops where he feels the power of old magic coming from a tattered scroll thrown open on the floor of the library from the blast. He bends down to retrieve it just as the Avengers are walking in with Doom in shackles. They demand that he turn himself in, blah, blah, blah.  He rolls his eyes and calmly starts to read the runes, but what he reads... it is horrifying…

Eyes wide, he nearly drops the scroll, stumbling over the steps and taking a defensive position. “No, this is a lie!” Loki swallows thickly, feeling faint and angry and nauseous all at once.

He looks at Thor who looks just as puzzled. He doesn’t believe the blond is innocent in the matter for even a moment. He points an accusing finger, “What are you up to? What trick is this! This is a lie! You- You can’t!”

Thor starts to come forward, more worried for his brother than concerned about his capture and the Avengers wait for him to decide. “Loki what is that piece of paper?”

“You imbecile! You liar! I’ll burn it! I’ll burn everything!” Loki frantically casts a spell and sets his hands on fire instead. The flame meant for paper is licking up his arms and neck and the shock of it sends him screaming again, “NO! Don’t! Stop it, Thor! Stop!” He falls over, writhing and twitching.

Thor runs up to see what is the matter and Steve and Hulk are closing in too. Thor stills them, because though he’s no sorcerer, even he can clearly see magic from the parchment laying an ugly looking curse on Loki. It crawls up Loki’s arms and down the rest of his body and Loki trembles and convulses until he rolls into fetal position on the floor, heaving for air like he can’t breathe.

When Thor closes over him, Loki starts again, "No, Thor! Please! Don’t-"

  
“Peace brother. Let me see that parchment.” Thor takes up the old scroll just as Steve protests.

“Thor, don’t touch whatever that is until we can get it analyzed-“ Thor cuts him off with a gesture.

“It’s alright friend, whatever curse was on this paper was just spent on Loki, there’s no harm to it now.” Loki hyperventilates and faints.

The Hulk is confused and bored so he gives Bruce back the reins to their shared body. The observant doctor kicks off the last stubborn piece of banner from his feet and addresses the thunder god. “Can you read that paper, Thor? What’s it say?”

Thor reads and rereads the runes on the parchment, and gasps. “It… it is a marriage contract.”

Stark puts his faceplate up. “A what?” He and the rest of the Avengers turn over Dr. Doom to Hill and other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents.

Thor continues, but he looks heartbroken. “It says today is Loki 1000th year, and as he reaches Jotunn maturity, so does the marriage contract signed by his dam after his birth. It binds him to his betrothed. He is the war bride and must abide by the word of his new husband and bare an heir before the Casket of Winter is returned to Jotunheim.”

Steve, Natasha, and Bruce don’t like the sound of any of this. They each give Loki, (who is still in fetal position) sympathetic looks. Tony and Clint seem to think it’s funny. Tony can’t resist poking at the development, “So he’s gotta get gay married today? Who’s the lucky guy?”

Thor doesn’t answer but Stark continues, “Isn’t it going be little hard for him to bare heirs, you know being a dude under all that leather.”

Thor doesn’t comment but rips open Loki’s coat and tunic, which startles the younger god, “NO!” Loki flails weakly in his brother arms while Thor’s team mates try to make sense of the situation. All at once they all realize, that chest bared, Loki now has a pair of C cups...

Again, Stark comments first. “Boobies?” It’s simple but it captures what all of them are thinking.

Loki is trembling violently and whatever the curse or contract implied is still going through him, Thor asks him about the parchment, “This is signed by our fathers. Where did it come from? Laufey is long dead and father is deep into the Odinsleep.”

Loki shakes his head, “I don’t know. I don’t know, he left it here. He left it here on purpose. He knew I’d come to it, that old bastard! He left it here!”

Thor starts to gather Loki up in his arms since the liesmith can’t seem to get up. Loki fights him weakly but gives up and starts to laugh. “This is why he destroyed all my children. Because they weren’t sanctioned by his damn contract! This is why. This is entirely your fault! You and your damn father! You did this!” He starts to fight in earnest and Thor whispers a simple spell he remembers hearing Loki use to calm children before. To his and the others surprise it actually works to put Loki to sleep.

Thor covers him with his cape, and carries Loki out the Library with the team of shocked Avengers in tow.

Steve stops him. “What are you going to do with him now?”

“Take him back to the Tower, of course. Unless we are unwelcomed?” He looks to Stark, who still hasn’t found words for this yet. Thor assures him, “The contract takes effect today. The proof is in the sleeping rune, see.” He uncovers Loki’s head a little. “That would never have worked on a being as strong as him before, certainly not by _my_ whispering it.”

Bruce catches on first, “But now he’s your bride, and has do like you say.”

The others share doubtful and offended looks. So Thor continues, “I promise I will not let him harm anyone, just give us a few moments to sort this out. I cannot… I cannot accept being married to my own brother, any more than he will.”

Stark nods along, agreeing for the moment. “Okay, come back and try to straighten this out. But if at any moment he feels the need to start with the maniacal laughter, and epic monologue spiel then that guy- er… lady… Well just know I’m letting the Hulk loose.”

Bruce frowns, but doesn’t say anything.

 

 

 


	2. New Hats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor must have done some explaining about the contract because they don’t even bat eye at his arrival. Not one is word spoken about what the God of Chaos is going to do in a paper night gown, and he simply can’t have that.

When Loki wakes up six days later, he is still female.  He is also in an unfamiliar bed.  The pillows smells like Thor, however.   He sees that Mjolnir sits across in plain view on the nightstand.  He scowls at it and gets up.  They’ve removed his clothes and replaced them with a simple white and blue hospital smock.

He gets up and finds all the Avengers in the next room with Thor having breakfast.

Thor must have done some explaining about the contract because they don’t even bat eye at his arrival.  Not one word is spoken about what the God of Chaos is going to do in a paper night gown, and he simply can’t have that.

He doesn’t mind his curvier figure and walks in like a man, head up high and imperious.  “Well what do we have here.  The wedding party?  It’s too late find him a stripper or a cake for the reception, that’s the Midgardian custom isn’t it?”

“Close, but not exactly.  It should be though.  I could go get a cake and you can jump out of it though.”  Stark isn’t interested in self-preservation, what with all the leg Loki is showing.

Thor hasn’t moved from the kitchen counter where Steve is still making omelets and Bruce is sitting beside him drinking tea.

Loki smiles at everyone and that gets a reaction.  Clint and Natasha finally appear to be on guard and Stark is… Stark is smirking back.  “So yes to the cake then?” 

Loki ignores him, “Where are my clothes?”

“Thor kind of ruined them.” Chimes Bruce.

Loki rolls his eyes, “That’s not unusual.  I want them back all the same.”  Thor dutifully moves to the closet where Loki’s things are stored and Loki snatches them back. 

Clint frowns, “You carry more knives in that get up than Natasha does.  I damn near lost a toe just carrying it.  Seemed like they just kept falling out the pockets.”

“They’re bigger on the inside,” Loki smirks.  He still likes his little hawk.  Clint isn’t under mind control and definitely still wants to see him dead but he seems tolerant right now.  Banner was right about the clothes, and he’s in no fast hurry to redress.  He doesn’t want to seem like his confidence is as shaken as it is really.  He sees where they are still examining the contract.  “Give me that.”

“No,” says Thor.  “They were trying to find a way to destroy it.”

“It is old magic, Thor.  Odin Allfather of the Nine Realms has bound it, no simple mortal can destroy it.” 

“I do not want to be married to you, Loki.”

“Then give it here and I will find a way…”

“So I’ll take it back to Asgard.”

“No!  And let everyone know, this even exists- think about it.  Good god!  He was hiding it here, the old bastard, so I wouldn’t have run into otherwise, he was _hiding_ it. He probably never meant to make good on it.  The only one who can do anything about that stupid paper is me.  Hand it over.”

Thor tilts his head, “What do you do mean, never meant to make good on it, it is a sealed oath between kings.”

“Aye, brother dear.  And he brought me into Asgard claiming I was his second son, not your war bride.  If it were not for us being here, we never would have found it.”

Thor hands over the paper and Loki sits on the sofa, reading and rereading the contract.  “There’s hidden meaning in it… Upon your crown… was he…”  Loki freezes.  “He wanted to talk to me after your coronation, but I sought you out instead.  He was going to tell me then.  That old bastard.  He was going to tell me after you had the crown that I was never meant for the king’s throne!  That disgusting old bastard!”  Loki throws the thing on the ground and thinks better of setting it on fire again when he remembers why he has breasts in the first place.

Thor picks it up and gives it to Bruce who promises to keep studying it.  “Could you stay here?”  He asks knowing how his friends feel about all this. 

Loki balls up, it seems his midsection is hurting.  “Be quiet.  I’ll do as I please.  I feel a distinct need to set fire to something right now… Your face would be good place to start.” 

“Perhaps you should eat something and get some rest.”  Thor hands him a plate of eggs and Loki takes them.  He hesitantly takes a bite then spits the unchewed buttery eggs out onto the floor.  He then smashes the plate on the floor and heads for the room.

Thor and the others continue talking about ways to destroy the contract, Stark tries blotting out the ink with white out, but it just fizzles off the paper.  Bruce laughs at him, “Worth a shot.”

They hear a sudden crash in the bedroom and find Loki doubled over on the bed, having knocked down a lamp. 

He looks constipated, at least to Tony, “Ah bathroom’s through there…” He points out but is rightly ignored as Thor goes to Loki’s side and lifts him again. 

“What’s wrong?  Tell me,” Thor says wiping lanky hair out of Loki’s face.

Loki fights it, but grits out the same.  “I can’t change back.  I’m stuck in this shape; I can’t change into anything else.”  Thor holds him and Loki panics, “No don’t Thor, Stop!”

“What is wrong, Loki?  Am I hurting you somehow?  Are you unwell too?  Come here Loki and let me look.”

Loki shakes his head but stops fighting as Thor pulls him closer and feels his sides through the hospital gown, then protests again, “Thor please, stop.  Because… Because I can’t say no to you.”

Thor finally understands and unhands his brother.  Loki continues, “Just keep your hands to yourself, please, Thor.”  Loki looks exhausted from trying to do something that comes as naturally as breathing to him, so Thor and others leave him to rest again in the bed. 

Stark calls up Jarvis, “Hey you got the little psycho’s new measurements?” 

“Yes sir.”

“Okay send them and copy of _her_ new headshot into Neiman Marcus and have them send up some clothes-  Here let me pick out a few favorites.” 

Thor raises an eyebrow, “You wish to buy Loki garments?” 

Stark grins lopsided, “Consider it a wedding present.”

When the clothes come up, Stark stops to hand Natasha a box of shoes and kisses her on the head.  She sees her favorite brand, “Good boy.”  And pats him on the ass in return.  He goes on and wakes up Loki, “Oh fair Princess!”  He pulls out a gold box and jumps in the bed jarring Loki who looks suitably rumpled and grumpy.

Loki raises a brow and stares, “You bought me clothes?  Why?”

“Are you kidding?  Have you seen all of yourself in a mirror?  Just say the word and I’d buy you a house.”  That seems to appease Loki and makes Thor grumpy instead.  “Stark, don’t try and dishonor my brother.  I doubt even you would survive.”  Tony thinks that sounds like a good thing.

Loki picks one up and takes the lid off the gold box and holds up the slinky, expensive green and black silk dress.  “This is actually rather nice.”  He goes through another box, with a black wide brim hat.  He seems to like the dramatic look of it.   He pulls his hair back and sits the hat on his head, then finds a box with thin red negligee. 

Thor frowns and walks out the room, dragging Stark with him (because the bearded man was going to suggest Loki try it on, anyone can see the question on his face.)

Loki gets up to shut the door behind them, then opens it again.  “Miss spider, would be so kind as to attend me.”  She’s trying on her new shoes and seems to be in a good mood.  “Alright.”

All the men hold their breath while she walks in and closes the door.

“Jarvis?”

“Ms. Romanov has asked for privacy, no camera privileges sir.”

“Damn.”

When Natasha comes out for a second she’s actually sort of smiling, “He doesn’t like the red one.”  She hands a box over to Stark, gets a couple of bottled waters and goes back inside.  A few minutes later Pepper shows up, ignores the boys and disappears into the room.  The men look around feeling stupid when they can hear laughing.  The girls, and Loki, stay in there all day and order a lunch and dinner, wine and some more clothes.

Thor’s floor in the tower starts smelling a great deal more… floral.  Thor scowls when he passes what use to be his bedroom door.  “I do not appreciate having my room bathed in perfume waters, Stark.” 

Steve feels for him and slaps the blond god on the shoulder.  “Come on big guy, let’s go play basketball or something while your sister runs up Tony’s credit card.”

Tony and Bruce sit at the counter watching most of traffic since the rest of the men figure Loki already has the scariest (most red headed) member watching him personally undress and redress.  “I’ve started something bad here, haven’t I?”

Bruce smiles but doesn’t say anything.

 


	3. Stir the Eggs

Loki Laufeyson is vain.  But dressing up and dressing down can only keep him preoccupied in the mirror for so long.  After the second day in his self-imposed exiled in Thor’s room (for Thor forbade him to leave the tower, _not the room_ , he really wants his room back), Loki wakes up and tries on a dress, then another, then another.  Finally he decides on a comfortable green sun dress.  “I look like I’m in the PTA.”  He thinks that fitting, because who amongst the mortals are more frightening than the fearsome mothers of the PTA.  At least that is what he’s heard.

Outside the bedroom, is the new command central of operation ‘Burn That Motha Down’.  Tony named the project before anyone else had a chance to think of one.  He and Bruce have turned Thor’s kitchen into a laboratory where they try and find new ways of incinerating the document.  So far nothing has worked but Bruce is holding out that they should try more pedestrian methods of setting things on fire before Tony takes it to his lab and irradiates it with his Devil Core Jr.

Meanwhile, Clint has washed his hands of the whole situation.  He warned everyone, “That little shit is up to something and has all of you suckers distracted with that stupid paper.” 

Thor smiled and calmly explained to Clint that all would be well once the matter was resolved, and if they were fortunate they would have a new ally in his brother.  Clint had said something rude about Loki (and his new gender), and afterwards Thor corrected his manners.  Since then his right eye is still black and purple… well, Clint has washed his hands of the whole situation.

Steve is hopeful and optimistic.  He believes like Thor, that sharing this trial with Loki will persuade him to switch sides and finally mend things with his brother.  For what could be more important than family, and the Avengers are a team, but family first, (gosh darn it).  He unfortunately said this out loud twelve hours after they took Loki from the museum.  Stark laughed out loud, in his face and told him he would be first one on Loki watch.  And so he was.  Steve is still hopeful and optimistic because the entire time he watched over Loki (and Thor watched him, watch Loki) he felt like seeing their old enemy vulnerable, gave him new perspective.  Also Loki was quite the attractive young lady now, and it would be bad manners to suspect him of evil-doing.  And he doesn't want to be rude to their guest, just look at Clint.

After showing Loki how to dress, Natasha left.  She had to tell Fury about the situation before someone outside the tower found out about the psychotic megalomaniac who’s been forced to change sexes.  Then she would debrief (gossip with) Pepper because they both had to analyze all the information they gathered while talking to a seemingly drunken Lady Loki.

So the team is working diligently, trying to find an answer to Thor’s new Loki problem.  Thor, however is lost.  All he can do is stand guard outside his own bedroom door, hoping the mortals around him can find a way to destroy the contract.  While Loki slept, he tried smashing and frying the parchment with Mjolnir.  Nothing he did work.  He’s had two days to think about what Loki said, but still thinks they would be better off returning to Asgard.  Though he could simply order Loki to comply, he’s all too aware of how sensitive his brother is, it would be no small slight to Loki’s pride.  Still.  Thor wished he could convince, not coerce, his brother into returning with him and seek a resolution from his mother.

 

* * *

 

By day three, Bruce and Tony think they may have found a way to get past the parchment’s magical defenses.  Bruce turns on Tony’s magic dampening device.  It is only a prototype, and he’s never had a chance to test it. 

Tony licks the tip of his finger and waves it around the kitchen, “Feel that! That's the feeling of no voodoo in the air!  I can tell!” 

Bruce raises an eyebrow and steps back.  “Well I’m glad you have a magic finger, though if your device were working, shouldn’t your finger stop working?”

Tony ignores the question and slides on some protective glasses.  He grabs his torch, and sets the parchment on fire, again.

The paper foxes around the edge, then with a burst of blue light, the fire is out and the paper looks immaculate, (old but whole) once again.

Tony grits his teeth and looks over to Thor.  “What the hell kind of paper is this!”  Thor simply shakes his head and resumes his pouting outside the bedroom door.

A bell goes off and Tony looks around, because nothing he bought into the kitchen should go ‘ding’.

Bruce puts on a pair of oven mitts and takes out a lemon meringue pie.  “Can I borrow your torch, Tony?”

 Tony scowls, “I'm burning something today.”

Bruce rolls his eyes, but doesn’t say anything.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, but necessary to move to the plot (there is one I swear) along.


	4. The Bridal Suite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps if he paid more attention to his parents, Loki wouldn't be in the mess he's in anyway.

On the day of Thor’s coronation, Frigga summoned Loki to her chambers.  Loki loved his mother’s rooms but felt apprehensive.  Did she know what he planned for today?  His mother’s sight was far reaching and she was even more observant than the All-father, especially when it came to Loki.  Loki schooled his features into a blank slate and went to his mother’s side.  Frigga pulled him down for a kiss and he knelt down and stared up at her with wide eyes.

“Mother, you look splendid this morning.  Shining like the-“

“Loki,” interrupted Friggga.  “Don’t start.  You are not in trouble for anything.  That I know of.”

Loki tried not to look guilty.  “Whatever would make you say that?  I did not come here for a spanking… I am pleased to spend some time with my mother.  …Shining like the-“

“Loki,” said Frigga again.  “Have you a whole sonnet prepared?”

Loki sighs and rests his head in her lap.  “Well, I thought I was in trouble.”

Frigga laughs and strokes his hair.  “I want you to come and see something with me.”

He allows her to lead him to a newly erected wing of the palace.  He takes in all the new shiny gilded walls and marble floors.  He despises the space immediately.  “Thor’s new wing?  Why in the heavens would you bring me here?  To marvel at the opulence reserved for the crowned prince?  I get enough of that in his rooms now.”  He goes into the main bedroom and finds an enormous bed.  It is bare right now, only covered in red sheets.  It is also large enough to hold ten people.  “I suppose his bed has to be big enough to fit him and his ego.” 

Frigga smiles and takes Loki by the arm, leads him to the bed to sit.  Loki is perched on the very edge and looks uncomfortable, his back rigid and his jaw tense.  So Frigga finally explains, “It has to be big enough for him and his future consort.  Loki I was wandering if you would… ward the rooms with magic.  For protection, peace, and fertility.  The consort’s role will be just as important as the king.  The consort will be his chief advisor and wear my mantle.  Not just anyone can bear it.”

“Consort,” snorted Loki.  He knew being the new king, Thor would have to marry sooner or later and secure the line of succession.  “I suppose I can do something.  But not now mother.  I am still feeling the consequences from last night’s contest.  I won and lost all in one breath.”

Frigga stands and goes to the door.  “No one should challenge Thor to a drinking contest and then cheat.”

“How do you know I cheated?  Perhaps he’s getting feeble in his old age and can no longer hold his mead.”  He looks at the soft smile on her lips and knows that she knows he put sleeping herbs in Thor’s cup before the contest.  He gives up on half-heartedly defending himself.  “Well if that is all, mother, I’ll be off.  I have to get dressed before the ceremony.”

“Do not lie to me, Loki.  You’re off to polish your horns.” 

Loki stares at his mother barely suppressing laughter, “Mother!  I will never be able to unhear you say that.”  She nods, “That was my intention.”  Loki watches her leave the rooms and leans back on the great luxurious red sheets of Thor’s new bed.  He supposes he come back here when the feasting starts and while everyone is busy celebrating, he can do as his mother asked.  He lies down and stares up at the high vaulted ceiling and actually feels comfortable.  “Of course this bed is probably stuffed the softest down off ducklings’ bottoms and rabbit ears.”  He frowns but closes his eyes and allows himself to drift off for a moment.

He awakes to the All-father sitting in the corner and immediately sits straight up.

Odin shakes his head, “Don’t be wary Loki.  Your mother said she was going to ask you to ward this place.  I have already done so.”

“I know,” says Loki feeling the gripping fingers of sleep drag him down.  “Peace and tranquility.  I nodded off just sitting here.  Well done, father.”

Odin nods, “I couldn’t risk Thor waking up tomorrow with his toiletries enchanted and snakes in his bed."  He scowls and for a moment Loki is afraid he knows about Jotunheim.  Then Odin yawns.  “Get dressed, you have dignitaries to entertain.  I will speak with you after the coronation.”

With that the great King leaves and Loki feels truly elated for a moment.  No one knows what he’s done, and he’s going to get away with it.   This bed, these rooms, they will be consigned to dust and memory because the crown prince is going to be shown for what he is really worth.  And there will be no crowning.  No consorts.  Not until Thor is ready.

 

Loki lies back down and takes what he believes to be a well-deserved nap in what is surely the finest bed in the palace.

* * *

 

As the day of the coronation drags on, Loki feels light and expectant.  He smiles and charms the foreign dignitaries, greets old enemies with warm handshakes.  He is well-behaved and most polite, anyone can see how proud he is of his big brother on his big day.  Except Sif.  She seems to suspect him of something and keeps throwing him odd, accusing stares.  Well, let her stare, he thinks.  He looks good today.

Just before noon, Loki realizes he hasn’t seen his brother all day.

Fandral comes up from behind and slaps him on the back, “Loki!  Where’s Thor?  We haven’t seen him all day.”

Loki keeps his face blank and looks around the mass of people in attendance. 

“I will go see my brother.  He’s probably still sleeping off his mead.”

Fandral smirks and pulls Loki close, “You mean your sleeping water?” 

Loki smiles and let remark slide off him like water on duck.  “Everyone is always suspecting me of villainy.  It gets rather tiresome, fair lord.  Oh look over there,” he says pointing over to a congress of young elf maidens.  “There’s the new princess of Alfheim.  I hear she’s very unhappy in her marriage.”

Fandral twists his beard slaps Loki on the back again, “Well, I shall have console her.  Find Thor and make sure he hasn’t drowned in puddle of his own vomit.”  He leaves Loki to go greet the young elves.

Loki rolls his eyes and leaves the feasting halls in search of his brother.  He finds Thor in a garden, still half-dressed and staring into the reflection of his helmet.

“That’s how Narcissus drowned you know,” says Loki.  He goes over and sits on the bench beside his brother.  Thor is radiant and shining in the noonday light.  Loki remembers the sonnet he wrote for his mother earlier and starts to laugh.  Thor looks at him quizzically.  “What’s so funny this morning, brother?”

Loki takes in deep breath and slides down to the grass, resting an elbow on Thor’s leg.  “Nothing, I just remember something mother said.  Why are you out here?  Don’t tell me the mighty Thor is feeling nervous.  Not on this day.  Not with all his future glory laid out before him,” he gestures to the hall that leads to the throne room.

Thor shakes his head.  “I was just wondering… I was wondering if I was…”

Loki looks up to his brother and Thor shakes whatever thoughts he was having out of mind.  “Come and attend me Loki.  I have to get ready.”

Loki stands up and starts walking back to the sitting rooms behind the throne, where Thor was getting ready.  “Perhaps you need a bath first… mother will never forgive me if I allow you to venture out smelling like a beast.”

Thor stops walking and wraps his arm around Loki in a brief hug, then pulls him into a headlock.

“Loki, you’re supposed to be on my side.”

Loki slips out of his grasp (because Thor allowed him to) and returns the hug he was given, “I am always on your side Thor.”

Three hours later, the coronation is interrupted with the frost giants trying to steal the casket.  Loki smirks to himself while walking the halls.  Father has forbidden Thor from doing anything.  So of course, the next logical step is to convince Thor to do something.  Loki finds his brother throwing tables over and growling in frustration.  He stops at a mirror and looks at himself in his plainer clothes.  He looks good he thinks, for a moment when a young page catches his attention.  “Sire, the All-father wants to speak to you.”

Loki dismisses the child, “In a moment.  I have to talk to my brother first.”


	5. The Shield

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be fair, Loki wasn’t completely naked. But Steve was completely red.

 

Steve feels like a deer in headlights.

Well, actually he feels like a grown man who’d just ran into another grown man, who was now a naked woman.  And actually a god.  Of mischief.

Steve’s brain rebooted and he remembered why he decided to venture into Thor’s bathroom in the first place.  “Loki, I was just coming to…. Um... To look for you.”  He said while looking away.

To be fair, Loki wasn’t completely naked.  But Steve was completely red.  Even with a rather thick towel saving him from further embarrassment.  Not wrapped around the green-eyed god, the towel just barely covered the essentials.  Steve thought he could he see a mark, a tattoo on Loki’s hip and lost himself trying to determine if it was a pair of horns or a pair of knives when Loki cleared his throat.

“Achem.  Eyes forward, Captain.”

Immediately, Steve stood straighter, “Sorry, ma’am- Loki.  I was just coming to tell you we’ve been called to an emergency.  Bruce is staying behind to watch over you.  He’s downstairs in his lab.”

“With the parchment?”

Steve didn’t quite hear the question.  “Ma’am?  I mean Loki…”

Loki rolls his eyes and asks again, pushing Steve out of the way so he could finally vacate the bathroom.  Steve is left blushing to the sight of Loki getting dressed.  And abandoning the towel altogether.  Steve cocks his head to the side.  A horn and a knife?

Loki snaps his fingers after putting on a robe.   “Midgard to Steve.  Surely you’ve seen a naked woman before.”

Steve doesn’t want to answer that so back to the question he wasn’t paying attention to in the first place.  “The parchment…. Oh.  Ah, Thor took it from Stark after that thing with the repulsors.”

Loki laughs, and it’s a softer, less evil sounding thing.  Steve isn’t used to that.  Loki slips on a pair of slippers and motions for Steve to walk ahead of him, escorting him to the common room where the parchment was left. 

“Good,” says Loki in the elevator.  “Now I can have a chance to do some practical research on it.”

Steve smirks, “Practical.  As in magic and sorcery is _practical_?”

The elevator dings, (or rather JARVIS ‘dings’ for his own amusement) and the two walk out.

Loki raises his eyebrows, “Is it more practical to apply your science to it?   How are Stark’s repeated attempts to char a magically flame retardant document, in any way practical?”

He finds the scroll unrolled on the living room table.  It’s covered in coffee and jelly stains.

The look Loki gives Steve makes the soldier feel ashamed for a moment, so he explains that Bruce and Tony were doing ‘science’ over breakfast and that Tony was already drunk and sleep-deprived.  “So he ah… well he started pouring things on it.  He said it couldn’t magically clean itself. Maybe that would make the whole contract invalid.  Then Bruce disproved his theory and wiped it off, so Tony threw a box of jelly doughnuts at him and… It was a very busy morning.”

Loki wipes the document with the tail of his robe, and like before it comes clean.  And Steve can’t help but notice the exposed thighs of the robes owner.  Steve clears his throat as Loki makes himself comfortable to study the paper on the sofa.

“I’ll just… go and ah… fight the moths now.”

“Moths,” asks Loki.

“Oh yeah,” Steve says, having already made a retreat to the elevator.  “Brooklyn is being attacked by eight foot tall moths.  You know,” he says finally reaching it and pushing the button.  “…it’s a Tuesday.”

Loki lets the Captain get away and focuses on the paper.

But he doesn’t forget the blush or the stammering.  That could be useful in the future, he thinks.  He remembers all the old wedding traditions and marital codes observed by the Aesir and smiles.  “That can be useful now.”

Meanwhile down in his lap, Bruce is working on a project unrelated to the Loki problem when JARVIS calls to tell him he’s now the only Avenger in the tower with Loki.  So Bruce opens a window among his research and asks JARVIS to let him monitor Loki from there.  It opens up and he sees that Loki is just sitting on the couch smiling like the cat that got the mouse.  Or the cream.  Whichever the cat preferred.  Bruce stares at it for a moment then goes back to his research.

* * *

 

On the battlefield (which used to be a playground in Brooklyn) Steve is giving out orders.  He wishes they had brought the hulk along anyway.  He points to some debris “Thor!  The civilians!”

Thor sees what he does.  There is small family cowering behind the rubble of a jungle gym, and oblivious to the Moth that is coming straight for them.  Thor nods his understanding and quickly hurls himself to guard the family. 

Steve listens in as Clint reports that more bugs are coming in.  “How many,” he asks for an estimate, praying for a small number.

Clint shoots three down in quick succession before answering, “Eleven... Hundred.  No,  yeah that’s about right.  There’s a gaggle on your tail, Stark.”

Steve looks up to where Tony is indeed being chased into a building.  “Stark!  You read me?”

Inside the building (an apartment building that’s seen better days) Stark realizes he’s just landed on a gas stove.  “One minute Capsicle, I’m about to blow up.”  The kitchen he landed in does indeed blow up just as the Moths attacking him all crowd inside.  Iron man walks away from the explosion as the remains of Moths gently float down to the ground.

Steve jogs over to Stark's position.  “Did you find out where they’re coming from?”

Stark raises his faceplate and idly shoots another moth out the air.  “The sewer.  There’s like a cocoon down there.  It’s really gross.  I had to touch it.  Slimy.  I wouldn’t recommend it.”  He pulls out a vial full of orange slime, “I’m taking this home to Bruce.  You know, make up sex.”

“I don’t want to hear that.  Just find a way to stop them.  So far they’ve been flying straight up and coming back down without any purpose.  It’s like…”  Steve watches as a large number of the creatures fly up, towards the sun before turning back around.

Simultaneously he and Stark say, “Bug zapper!”

“Jinx, you owe me a soda.”  Stark flips his faceplate back down and goes high into the air.

“Clint did you copy that?  They’re attracted to light.  I thought all bugs knew better to chase the actual sun but these things aren’t that bright.  …I didn’t mean to say that stop laughing.”  Steve looks back to see where Thor’s gone with the family.  Thor is notoriously hard to keep track of in battle, because he won’t wear a radio and he takes off like the Hulk when he thinks he's found a worthy opponent.  Steve is surprised to see him fighting side by side with Natasha a block away.  So he relays his orders for Thor through the assassin.

In the end, Thor summons a pillar of lightning even brighter than the sun and all the moths simply run headfirst into the plasma.

Steve removes his cowl afterwards as the ash from the incinerated insects fall down.  The two kids with the family Thor saved earlier run out from their hiding place.  “Look, mom it’s snowing!  In the summer!”

Steve smiles at the kid and looks over to Thor who’s wearing a bemused “mortals are tiny” expression on his face.  For moment he’s elated that they saved the city, and that they worked together and all went well.  He’s not aware of any casualties yet and but for a moment, Steve just lets himself take a well-deserved breath.

Then Thor comes over and slaps him on the back.  “Well done, Captain.  Splendid idea.  Even Loki would appreciate your cunning.”

Loki.

Steve had forgotten all about Loki, but now he remembers every awkward minute from this morning.  And here is Loki’s brother.  And husband.  And arch rival.  Thor stands beside Steve and never notices that the tall mortal is standing a little slouched, making himself smaller instinctively.  Thor slaps Steve on the back again and then moves on to check on Natasha and Clint.

Over the com link Steve hears Stark, “Shawarma?  You guys don’t won’t do something different?  Try something new… I saw a little strip joint back a few blocks.  I could go for some seedy buffalo wings.”

Clint laughs but Natasha shrugs, “Sure why not.”  Clint stutters then tries to keep pace with her since she seems to actually be going with Stark.

Steve sees Thor smile warmly at him once more before he swings his hammer and heads back to the tower.  To Loki.

Steve looks around the debris and the few stragglers who didn’t make it to shelter when the bugs blotted out the sky.  He knows he’s going to be left here to organize clean up and rescue efforts with the local law enforcement.   That’s just how it seems to work out lately.  He sits his shield down goes to help a lady free her husband from fallen cinderblocks.  He doesn’t think about Loki the whole time.  Except for when he notices a tattoo gracing the woman’s lower back as she walks away when her man is finally loose.  Steve wouldn’t say he looks anything like a deer in the headlights.

Meanwhile, back at the Tower, Bruce decides to close his surveillance window of Loki, since Thor’s back wrapping his brother up in a bear hug.

Just as he does, Tony awkwardly lands outside his door.  “Hallways are so hard to navigate.”  Stark flips up his faceplate.  “He big Greeny.  You up for dinner at strip joint.  I’m paying.  In singles.”

Bruce smiles and saves the files he was working on, but he doesn’t say anything.


	6. The Hammered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay, just hear me out. I think you want to stay a girl."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note the change in the tags...  
> I'm not very good at this, I apologize right now for everything.

The day after the inexplicable mutant moth men invasion, Loki offers to help make dinner.  Usually Steve, Bruce and Clint command the kitchen, but today Pepper and Natasha are creating what could arguably be called a meal.  Pepper frowns at the burnt leavings in the pot of noodles.  “How did we let this happen?” 

Natasha takes a sip of wine (from her fourth glass that afternoon).  “I don’t know,” says the red-head.  “Maybe we’re just bad cooks.  It’s not exactly in my skillset.  Let’s order out.”

Pepper watches Loki dump the food out in his green sweater and jeans.  From behind you can’t tell if he’s a man or a woman.  An idea occurs to Pepper.  “Why can’t you be a man, again?”

Loki tenses, “You saw before.  The spell from the contract won’t allow me to turn back.”

“No.”  Says Pepper.

“No?”  Loki frowns and leans on the counter.  He didn’t realize she was this drunk.

“The contract stipulates that you have to do what Thor says or something, right?  But you were a man anyway.  And then- well it just doesn’t make any sense to also force you to stay in this shape, does it?   Maybe Thor can lift the Lady Loki-restriction.”

Natasha pours out the content of her glass.  “You’re drunk.  And we are going to call out for dinner.”

“No.” Says Pepper.

“No? Again,” Loki rolls his eyes and helps Pepper to sit down.  “Then you two sit here and I will prepare dinner.  I am nearly a fine cook, even with your strange Midgardian contraptions.”

Pepper stops him from leading her out the kitchen.  “Okay, just hear me out.  I think you want to stay a girl.  Girl power, is that your game?  You can tell us, we’re practically family.”  Loki’s jaw tenses but the smirk he’s wearing answers her questions.

Natasha leans in conspiratorially, “You haven’t lost any of your magic, and Thor only told you not to hurt anyone or leave the building.”

Loki steps back.  “Well you clever, clever chickens.  Have you been talking behind my back?  Women.”

Loki sneers at them both, then seamlessly shifts into his male form.  “Now what,” he asks.

* * *

 

An hour later the women all come out dressed for a night on the town and Loki is again in his female form and the men know nothing about his little show earlier.  Natasha erased the video feed from Jarvis. Thor and Steve come in from the gym showers wondering what’s going on.  Thor almost tells Loki he can’t go, but Pepper shoots him down.  “It’s okay Thor.  We got this, right Tasha?”

Natasha agrees, “Consider it a fact finding mission.  We won’t lose him.”   The men in the room are staring at Loki, not because he’s better looking today, just different in a good way, all made up like a _classy_ socialite. 

Tony volunteers to escort the ladies.  Pepper tells him no.  “We’re not trying to attract attention tonight Tony.”  Tony objects to her reasoning and starts rattling off a list of twenty reasons one should always party with Tony Stark in New York City.  Somewhere around reason number 7, (“I look good in a suit, I look good in everything”) Loki notices Steve trying to disappear in the background while Thor and Clint plate some microwave food.  He magics some clothes on the fine figure of the Captain.

Steve looks down at his well-fitted grey suit, “What… where…. Loki no!”  He starts to get huffy and authoritative but Loki ignores his protest and hands the man his little red clutch purse.  “You’ll do fine as a purse holder.  I understand it’s a well respective position in your night establishments.”

Tony pouts, “It’s the ugly girl position.”  Pepper cuffs him upside the head while the party of women (and Steve) files out the door into the elevator.

Thor fumes and Tony continues to pout, “I want to go too.”  Bruce pats him on the shoulder.  “Let’s go do some science with my new collider.”  Stark perks up, “Okay.  Night, Thor.  I’d wait up for them if I were you.”

Thor and Clint muddle around the kitchen. “This is all very strange isn’t it?”

“You’re the one who said to you give you moment.  It’s been a month.  Besides, I’m sure Tasha got Pepper working on some angle here.  It’ll be fine.  You did tell Loki not to hurt anyone right?”

Thor frowns, “No.”

“Shit.  I guess I just assumed that’s why he’s been so peaceable.”

“So there is a problem here.”

“No… no I don’t think so yet.  Maybe.  We’ll know we they get back.”

* * *

 

At the bar whatever confidence scam Tasha is running on Loki has led to them doing shots and playing darts and Loki starts to shamelessly flirt with a red-faced Captain.  Loki has told Natasha about his children, his mother, the other time he was girl and how he once had sex with three elves on a alter made of diamonds and rubies.  Natasha filed all this information for what it was.  Unimportant for the time being.  She momentarily ends her interrogation to go find Pepper, who may be sick in a public restroom.

That leaves Loki with the Captain.

“Oh captain, my captain.”  He leaning into Steve’s space, “I challenge you to a game!  Winner takes…. Winner takes all?”  He leers at Steve and Steve is beet red while he turns the offer down.  “Sorry, I have a really high metabolism.  I can’t get drunk.  I can even drink Thor under the table.”

“Well that’s impressive.  I suppose you’re an honorable man, didn’t want to risk cheating me…”  He leans in closer, “That’s so chivalrous, I could just kiss you.”  He does and Steve squeaks (in a manly all-american manner) but falls into it.  Tasha puts a stop to it just before Loki finds his way to the Captain’s lap and that ends the night out.

They return and find Tony and Clint waiting up with Thor in the living room.  They’re all red faced and Steve obviously been kissed by someone wearing Loki’s shade of lipstick.  “What happened here,” Tony is disappointed he didn’t come along anyway.  Loki giggles and pretends to fall into his lap.  “It was a… a bachelor _ette_ party.  Mr. Rogers jumped out of a cake.”

Steve manages to blush harder, “I did not.  Good night ma’am.”  He storms off.  Clint takes Natasha to the side, “Was everything okay?”  She nods, “We got some facts.”

Loki’s squirming in Tony’s lap.  “Is that a screwdriver in your pocket or are you happy to see me.”

Tony actually pulls out a screwdriver and throws it away, “But I am indeed happy to see you- that is a great neckline, up close like this I can really appreciate the workmanship.”

Loki laughs and wiggles around, throwing a leg on either side of Stark and leaning down just as Thor bellows, “Go to bed, Loki!”  Loki stops and scowls, gets up and goes to the bedroom slamming the door.  “And don’t you dare think of coming in here to sleep!”  He slams the door again.

Pepper shakes her head, “Can you handle watch tonight Thor?” she says helping Tony out of the chair and handing him a throw pillow which he covers himself with somehow unashamed that he should need it.

Thor goes to the door and talks through it, “I don’t want you to leave this Tower Loki.”  Loki throws something at the door in acknowledgement.

Clint laughs and everyone else clears out.  Thor goes back to the door and tries to open it, but finds its locked up with magic.  He expected that much.  Going back to the coffee table and rereading the damnable parchment, he gets a weird feeling in the base of his spine that feels like its spreading up to the back of his neck.  He rubs his neck and goes to sleep.

* * *

 

When he next wakes up he feels warm all over and immediately goes for the bedroom door.  The barrier stops him.  “Loki, open the door.”

The door opens itself the next time he tries the doorknob  Inside he finds Loki still in his dress and laying on his side in the middle of the bed.  “We need to talk about things,” he says firmly shutting the door.  He isn’t surprised when he walks up to the bed and Loki springs up with a knife.  “No we don’t.  I told you to stay out tonight.”

“I know, but I need to talk to you.”

“You don’t want to talk.” Sneers Loki.

“Loki.”

“Quiet!  I’m not an idiot, the same spell is working the both of us.  The only difference is I have had plenty of practice being resistant to magical influence and you haven’t any will at all!  I can feel your damn eyes on me and that is not happening tonight Thor.  Nor any other night.”

“I won’t hurt you…”  Thor paces around the bed, they’re circling the room and Loki is headed for the door.  “Just-“

“Don’t tell me want to do Thor, that’s cheating!”

Thor smiles at him but there isn’t any of his usual warmth in it.  “Loki, I’ve been thinking.”

“No.  The answer is no.  A million times no.  You take me, you consummate the marriage then there really is no way to undo it.  You said it yourself.  You don’t want to marry your brother.”

“You’re not my brother.”

“That hurts, Thor.  What would mother say?”  Loki throws a knife and another materializes in its place just as Thor tries to tackle him, Loki feints away, cutting Thor’s hand.

“You idiot, it’s just a damn moldy parchment!”

Thor stills by the bed and Loki cautiously goes to the door and opens it.  “Leave.  Now Thor.  Before I have to kill you.”  Thor goes to the door where Loki is still on guard, and knocks the knife out his hand.  He grabs the smaller man’s wrist and twists Loki around into a headlock and throws him on the bed.  While Loki scrambling to right himself, Thor  slams the door shut.

“Sit, Loki.” 

Loki stops eyes wide at the command and sits on the edge of the bed while Thor bars the door with Mjolnir.  “No more magic Loki.”

Loki frowns, “No escape you mean?  Why don’t you just order me lie down like a bitch?”

Thor smiles again and Loki feels his stomach lurch.   “You want me to fight you?  You sick bastard!  Borsson through and through, eh, so much for Asgard’s high throne—“

Thor cuts him off coming forward again and Loki fights, stabbing Thor in the gut but Thor has the upper hand when he can’t use his magic so Loki soon finds himself laid out on the bed with his body penned.  Thor releases him for a moment.  All this time he hasn’t actually hit Loki, just restrained him.  Now he tries to take off his own shirt while Loki stretches out beneath him and pulls out another knife, stabbing Thor in the shoulder.  “How many have you hidden?” Thor laughs, not meaning it to be an order.

Loki grits out anyway, “Nine!”  His other hand goes under the mattress for another knife and Thor takes it as well, he’s not even breathing hard and just positions Loki's limbs to where he wants him.  “There.” He leans in to kiss Loki, but Loki spits in face, and Thor smiles even that, wipes up the spittle and reaches between Loki’s legs.

“NO!  Thor please!”  He squirms away but it’s too late.  Just before Thor can insert anything else Loki calls out to Jarvis.  “Jarvis!  Privacy filter off, show Stark everything!  Now-“

He’s still screaming but Thor has covered Loki's mouth with his hand realizing the Calvary has been alerted.

Just two floors up, Jarvis interrupts Tony and Pepper… and Bruce.  Tony squirms out from under the other two and frowns, “Oh shit.”

Bruce takes one look at the screen and hulks out, jumping out the window and scaling the windows down to Thor’s room and breaking in the balcony of Thor’s bedroom.  He roars and Thor stops finally.  He sits up and raises his hands while Loki squirms away and crawls to the floor.

“I wasn’t going to hurt him.”  He says calmly enough to the green beast, but Hulk doesn’t care and slaps Thor through the wall.  When Thor lands in the living room, Stark and Captain America are already there.  “What’s going on here?”  Steve says with all the authority he can muster in his red, white, and blue pajamas.

Loki is freaking out a little while the Hulk carries him into the Living Room.  “Put me down?  I don’t want to go to the hospital!  That won’t make anything better put me down, you green ape!”

Thor is kneeling on the floor looking confused and dazed. 

After everyone else arrives they talk about putting him in a containment cell, but Loki works his way out of Hulk’s grasp.  “It’s a spell.  From the scroll.  We’re both affected.  He’s just too stupid to resist it.”

“What the hell kind of spell is that?”

“Insurance.  Odin needed the marriage to be consummated.  That’s why I have to obey him and he’s feels compelled to have me.  It’s alright now.”

Loki keeps his distance from Thor.  “He told me not to leave the Tower.”

Natasha nods, “Then you’re staying in my room, come on.”

Clint smiles then frowns at that.  He wasn’t invited back and Pepper joins Natasha when they leave.

The next morning while his rooms are being repaired, Thor goes to the common rooms and finds everyone is giving him a deserving stink eye.  “My friends.  I cannot express enough, how sorry I am.  I don’t—I was never as adept at discerning or repelling magic.  Loki… I think we need to return to Asgard.”

“Why so you can rape me in the throne room?  Here at least your mortal friends shame you enough to keep you at bay.”  Loki stays seated beside Natasha and Clint and at the kitchen bar.

“It is over now.”

“No it is not.  The moment we are alone, you are going to try again.”

“That’s not true… I can’t… I don’t want to hurt-“

Loki laughs, “Of course you do!  You always do!  You want to punish me and put me in my place.  What better way, for a Borrson!  I’ve been reading up on shared histories of the Nine Realms you know.   All the legendary maidens won over by the valiant warrior, carried off on his shoulder-“

“Quiet Loki.”  Thor doesn’t order it but Loki stops all the same. 

They don’t speak to each for two weeks.

When Bruce wakes up from the Hulk's rampage through Thor’s rooms, he frowns at the smashed up red walls and the destroyed furniture in the living room.

Thor sits on the remains of his couch while Bruce tiptoes through the debris.  Neither can think of anything to say.


	7. The Sumerians Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why do most marriages end in Midgard?"

Clint has unofficial guard duty of Loki (Official Shield Duty, but that’s classified).  He’s disturbed that there’s some kind of residual mind link between them and whenever Loki needs something he feels like jumping up and fetching it in hopes of reward.  Especially now.

Today Loki is in an off-the-shoulder white sweater, a light green scarf and tight black pants that ankle his severely pointy, expensive peep-toe shoes.  Clint’s sure the girls picked this outfit out, but can’t imagine why they would also buy the super villain a wide-brimmed hat.  It sits askew his head, with his hair slicked back into a tight bun.  He looks untouchable, like a magazine model and Clint thinks that’s Natasha working her mental magic there, “look but don’t touch”.  The "or be killed" is implied.

So he looks.  And looks.  And fetches.

When he figures he had all he can stand being alone with Loki’s quiet, haughty company, he calls Steve and Bruce to come up and play cards with him.  While they’re playing poker, Loki finally takes off the hat and comes over.  “Can I play?”

They clear their throats at the same time and deal Loki in.  Two hands in and everyone knows Loki is cheating but no one says anything.

“You’re cheating.”

Except Steve.  Steve says something.

Loki pounces on him.  “Do you want to stop playing, Captain?”

Steve doesn’t know why he’s already blushing, “…no but.  Well it’s not fair for you to always have the highest hand.  Takes all the fun out of the game.”Loki smiles and Steve realizes this morning the mad god's makeup includes a really smoky eye that makes the crystal green of his eyes really pop. 

Loki leans towards the Captain, “Oh, but I think the fun is just starting.  You know Captain, I think I have solution to my problem.”

“What- ah, which problem?”

“The married to my brother problem.”

“Oh, well, what’d you come up with?”  Everyone listens closely.

“Infidelity.”

It goes over their heads and he explains, “Why do most marriages end in Midgard?  Infidelity.  It’d be enough that I’m not really a virgin, but every time I change back into this form, so it seems my maidenhood grown back.  Not being a true virgin is enough to break any woman’s contract in Asgard.  I know a sullied woman who lost the rights to all her dowry land because she lied about her purity.”

It clicks a little loud in Clint’s head.  “So you need to get laid!”

“Exactly.  Good little hawk.”  Loki pats Clint on the head and the shorter man feels strangely proud even as the others are look embarrassed for him.  “Now who will do the honors?”

Steve stammers something and jumps out of his seat and head for the door.

Bruce sighs, completely mellow.  “I bet he could buy a lot of land in Asgard.”

Loki laughs out loud at that.  “Oh, you’re not wrong there, Dr. Banner.”

Clint feels irrationally angry about that, “I can be funny too!”  He realizes they both are looking at him now like he’s clown, “I am witty.  With the humor stuff.”

Loki grins, “I know that intimately enough, Mr. Hawk.  And I do so love a man with a good sense of humor.”

Bruce knows better than to let this go on.  “Hey Clint, can you go down to the lap and get my glasses?  I can’t read any numbers on the cards.”  Clint takes the out like a good boy and leaves.

Left alone, Loki shifts back over to Bruce but is handed a cup.  “Try this.  Its chamomile.”

\---

An army of blind and scary mole people attack central park and the Stark and Thor answer the call to wipe them out.  Thor should be having more fun knocking them out with a hammer.  “Give me that thing.”

“You know you can’t lift Mjolnir, Man of Iron.” Thor sullenly bops another mole creature on the head and Stark comes down beside him. 

“Come on!  You are literally playing the world’s largest game of whack o’ mole and you’re not having any fun with it.  That, my friend is a waste.  Give me the hammer.”

Thor releases it and drags the suit of armor down.  “Worth a shot.”  Thor goes back to sadly bopping moles.  “Okay you’ve been this way for way too long.  Broody just is not a good look on you, Goldie.  You’re supposed to smile and light up the room with sunshine and joy and shit.”

Thor sits on ground after knocking out what appears to be last of the army.  “I’m sorry, I don’t mean for my foul mood to so affect others.”

“It’s not that, it’s just we’re worried about you, Point Break.  You haven’t been eating pop tarts.”

“I don’t deserve confectionery delights after the way I behaved.”

“Just promise me you’ll try and talk to Loki and work something out.”

\---

Thor goes up to the rooms Loki is sharing with Natasha after the battle.  He’s careful not to appear rough.  He shower and even shaves, wears some of flimsy midgardian clothes Pepper bought him. 

Loki does seem shocked to see him in a dress shirt and slacks, but doesn’t say anything.

It’s Bruce that gives a low whistle.  “Hey there, Mr. GQ.  That’s quite the princely get up.  And you shaved?  You’re so… baby faced…”

Loki rolls his eyes in disgust.  “You look like Baldur.”

Thor smiles at that, “Baldur the brave, Baldur the handsome?”

“Baldur, the idiot little cousin who can’t grow a full beard.”

“You should talk.  Loki the hairless.”  They both share a smile, “I’ve come to apologize.”

“Don’t be redundant, Thor.”

“I mean well.”

Bruce stands up, “Do you want some privacy?”

At the same time “No,” says Thor and Loki.

Thor explains, “I feel it best if I were supervised.  I’ve been thinking about why I haven’t tried harder to resist the spell.”

“You’re an inept idiot.”

“I want you already.”

Bruce sits his cup down and moves to listen more discreetly on the other side of the room at least.

Loki eyes widen and he looks sick, “What?”

“I don’t mean, I’ve always had designs on you, but I don’t want to lose you.  I’ve been chasing after you all this time just to bring you home, because I want my brother back.  I already wanted you and sought you out, and the spell binds you to my word.”

Loki narrows his eyes and glares at Thor.  “I don’t care what you want.  You’ve no right-!”

“I’ve every right!  As your brother, your king, and now husband!”

Loki laughs, “You’ve no right under any law to still hold me captive with this thousand year old parchment.  Do you think you can keep me locked up here in your friend’s tower?  Make me the untouchable princess guarded by knights and dragons?  Do you think you can drag me back to Asgard?  Parade me in front of your court and warriors, ‘Here is the trophy we were promised from Jotunheim!’  I will find a way out of this contract, Thor and nothing in the nine realms will stop me, let alone you, no matter what you say.”

“I just want you to stay with me.”

Loki starts to stand up but sits back down.  “Leave me be, Thor.”

Bruce shrugs, and walks Thor out to the door. 

“Friend Bruce, tell me, has he come up with a way to break the contract?”

Bruce shies away from answering and cleans his glasses instead.  “If he did, I would think you’d be glad to finally be rid of this problem.”

“You heard me in there.  I just don’t want to lose him again.”

“Well it has to really be his decision to stay or else… well I wouldn’t count this way a victory for anyone.”

 Thor walks, shoulders dropped, “I’m not looking for victory.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're wondering about the Sumerian mole people
> 
> Watch the [The Mole People](http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0049516/) sometime.
> 
> It still makes me laugh.


	8. The Sumerians Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Steve ask Jarvis two different questions and get the same answer.
> 
> “They are both in the bedroom, sir.”

Steve works out really hard everyday testing the limits of his physical strength, finding he’s always capable of more.  Today he finds he can bench-press three hundred pounds and an entire Loki.

Loki sits on the top of the weights, balancing so not to tip the whole thing over.  “Why bother with all this physical exertion if you’re always in perfect health?”

“Because.  You have.  To Work.  Hard.  To get.  Anywhere. Near perfection.”  He finally stops and gently sets the bells and Loki back on the rack.  Loki hops down.  The villain is wearing a bright yellow sundress and little red peep toe heels.  His hair is curling around his face today from a bright yellow polka dot headband.  Loki seems to enjoy this look a lot and has been following the Captain around since he got dressed this morning.  “Do I look like the women from your era?  They seem more statuesque than women now.”

Steve nods and averts his eyes, already storing away memories about what the lengths of Loki’s legs looked like during the sets.

“Yes well, girls back then weren’t afraid to have a little curve to their hips.  It was all about hour-glass figures.  Now it’s just stick figures in the magazines.”

Loki goes to a mirror and smooth the dress down.  “I’ve always been too thin.  Am I too thin as woman as well?”  He asks, pouting a little, his mouth almost violently red. 

Steve nods again, “Yeah you’re a bony little thing.  Excuse me I have a Shield meeting to get to.”  He tries to rush out the door but Loki stops him.

“You think so, Captain?”  Sharing nearly the same height without heels, wearing them puts Loki a few inches over and the Captains line of sight goes straight for the amble evil-dude-in-a-dress™ cleavage.  “You don’t think I have any fine qualities in this form?”

“…” Steve tries to focus on something else.  “You have very nice hair.  Did Pepper help you curl it?”

“No, it’s naturally like this.  I usually slick it with honey wax, you know.”

“Oh.”

“Steve, would it be too forward of me, if I kissed you again.   I don’t want you to think I’m the wrong kind of girl.”

Steve almost falls for the illusion of a softer kinder, Loki, even the voice sounds a little higher and sweeter.  He snaps out of it before Loki can seal their lips and backs away.  “Sorry, I really do have a meeting to get to.”  He runs out just barely hearing a comment about how much land he’d own in Asgard.

\---

Stark was a sure thing.  Loki wasn’t going to bother with Clint because Natasha was scary and he couldn’t use his magic at the moment.  Bruce had calmly turned him down on more than one occasion, siting the fact that he was in a complicated poly-amorous thing with Stark and Pepper.  But they each had different rules.  And by Stark's terms, he had basically retained the rights to be a faithless whore.  So Stark was a sure thing, Loki was certain.  He just didn’t know how he’d live with himself in the morning.  So he waited a little longer to put that plan into effect.

Later in the week that he accosted Rogers, the Avengers were called back into central park to again face people from deep underground, but unlike the scary mole men, they were pale, thin, and surprisingly fragile folk.  Stark laughed before the others went out.  “I don’t think so.  I’m not going waste my time- their like an army of powerless Lokis.”  He laughed and locked himself up in his lab.  Mostly alone in the tower, Loki went after him.

“I heard what you said.  I find that very insulting.  I’m not that pale, and I’m certainly a good deal more healthy looking.”  He sat himself on display on one of the lab tables, looking untouchable again, (a turn-on to Startk) and dressed in a mid-drift baring, slinky, clingy, black, halter and a short, pencil skirt.  Stark put everything down and grinned.

“Oh, so it’s finally my turn, huh?”

“Why whatever do you mean,” said Loki, sliding off the table.

“You’ve been slinking around here laying your ladies bits on anything male you can get.  And don’t think I didn’t see that thing you did with Pepper.”

“She said I could.”

“I recorded it by the way,” He looks down at his screen wiggles his eyebrows and turns it off before turning back to Loki.  “So it’s my turn.   Don’t you want to jump in my lap or something?  I can put on the suit and left weights if you want.”

“Always aware of your own limitations.  I like that in a man.”

“Great!  I have a heart condition you know.”

“I know.” Loki says thinking about the device in Stark’s chest and how like the Tesseract it is.  Potential.

Stark shoves away from the table, goes to the couch that folds out into a bed (but he’s not calling it a futon.  Not in his house,) and lays down, “Then come on, Princess.  Paint me like one of your French girls, as they say.”

Loki goes instead to one of the servers, and starts poking about in them.  “Hey, hey, no touchy those!”

Loki looks up to the ceiling.  “Jarvis?  Are you in these machines?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Jarvis, can you feel this?”

Loki drags a finger down the outside of the console.  

“No, ma’am.”

Loki grins at Stark.  “Well now I guess you really are my last option.”

Tony frowns and crosses his arms, “That’s not even funny.  Get out… I have pride.”

“Okay,” grins Loki, turning to leave.

“Wait.  Stay.  I have no pride.  Please just, ah, wait one second.”  Tony jumps up, checks another monitor to see where the Avengers are in Central Park then takes Loki by the arm.

Loki frowns but does just that while Stark drags him his private elevator that goes straight to his room.

“Wait, I’m not going up there.”

“Oh yes you are.  And I’m locking the door and I’m taking my sweet, sweet time to make sweet, sweet homo-hetero-androgynous-alien sex to you.”

They get in the elevator and Loki looks around.  “Wait, are there other people coming?”

“We’re coming, together.  In a few minutes I hope.  Maybe in twenty minutes.  I have a heart condition you know.”

Loki just knows he’ll regret this in the morning.

\---

Turns out Loki will regret not ten minutes later, when it seems the Avengers have arrived earlier than expected, landing on the roof in a helicopter and making their noisy way down naturally through Stark's room.  Thor and Steve ask Jarvis two different questions and get the same answer.

“They are both in the bedroom, sir.”

Thor doesn’t hesitate to throw the hammer through the door and it startles everyone, especially the two half-naked people on the bed.  “Thor, buddy.  Thought you were going to be out longer.”

“Stark.”

“I can explain this.  We were checking each other for ticks.  Ticks are all over building.  Coming in through the air ducts.  Ticks and spiders.”

Loki rolls his eyes and collapses on the bed with his skirt still up and his top half off. 

Thor is about to go do something regrettable himself when Steve holds him, “Wait, wait, look nothing happen.  No one’s been deflowered- right?” 

Stark nods along, “Right.  Right, Loki?”

Loki refits his clothes and gets up to leave.  Passing Thor in the now extended doorway.  “You damn animal.”  He goes off and Natasha follows, telling Thor to go somewhere else.

Thor huffs off.

Steve and Clint look at Stark.  “Of course it’d be you to give in.  You’re like a sure thing.”

Stark sticks his tongue out at Clint.  “You’re just jealous, _little_ hawk.”

Clint’s ears burn and huffs away too.  Steve says one final thing, “You need to be more careful.”

“I need to hand out some eviction notices!”  Tony tries to pick up his door but even in pieces it’s too heavy.  Bruce sighs and helps him pick up the pieces.  “I had a bad feeling he would try this, but I thought you both had a little more respect for Pepper.”

Tony gives up and drops the doorknob he pulled out.

“What does any of this have to do with Pepper?  You should have seen what she did with him.”  From the look of surprise and disbelief on his Bruce’s face, Tony pats his friend on the back, “Don’t worry, I recorded it.”

\---

Loki stays in Natasha den, now changed into a bedroom for him, all through dinner.  Then he comes out, conservatively dressed in well-fitted jeans and a plain white t-shirt.  He goes to the common room and straight to Thor while Bruce and Clint watch.

“I want to apologize.”

Clint falls out of his chair.

Thor stands up, disbelieving, but believing entirely.  “You do?  But I broke a door!”

“I know.”  Loki sits down, pulls Thor back to his seat.  “But perhaps I should have told you about the avenue I was taking to seek our separation from the contract.  It might not of worked so I didn’t want… well I apologize for making you worried so.  I’m not a child running loose and wild in the elven court anymore.”

Thor frowns at the memory, “Yes that was disconcerting.”

“And- you aren’t really my brother.  Neither my husband.  We didn’t chose anything and we both owe it to ourselves to seek absolution from a prideful pact between our fathers.  Yours full, and mine all loss.  Thor, I think I have another solution.”

“What else could we possibly do…”

“I could marry you properly.”

Bruce helps Clint back up into his chair, again.

Thor gets a goofy smile on his face.  He looks like an excited puppy and knocks the table over rushing to his knees in front of Loki.

“Stop,” Loki admonishes.  “What I mean to say is we could come to that more naturally.”

Thor nods along, “What does that mean?”

“It means instead of forcing me to a bridal bed to bare all myself without recompense to serve two worlds, I’ve never been fond of... it is wrong don’t you think Thor?”

Thor nods along, “Yes, of course, I can see what you mean there.”

“I’m still a prince.  Of two worlds, I deserve a lengthy courtship, wooing, a contest…”

Thor nods stands up, “Yes I will defeat anyone in contention-“

“Shut up Thor.  I mean this could take a while.  And short of me falling head over heels in love with you- I don’t see this coming to that conclusion.  And if doesn’t I have another suggestion.”

Thor frowns at that, having already decided to go on an epic quest to prove his undying love.

Loki rolls eyes knowing exactly what Thor is thinking.  “The second thing we can do, is hand over the casket now.”

Thor stands up and backs away.  “…oh.  I’ve thought of that.”

Loki sighs and rubs his head, “I’m serious Thor.”

“Father wouldn’t hear of it.”

Loki stops and looks up.  “What?”

“After you escaped, I went to Jotunheim to assure the new king you weren’t going there to destroy the realm.   The realm had changed much under his reign, so I delivered reparations to help them rebuild.  They were still struggling without the casket and I petitioned father to return it now that Laufey didn’t have any influence on the realm.  He forbade it and said there was more to prove and yet consider before the casket could be returned.”

Loki scowls, “That old, wretched…”  Before he can go on a rant, Thor takes a hold of him. 

“But he is Odinsleep now.  If we return to Asgard, we can ask mother, she could also…”

Loki shakes his head no.   “I can’t, I simply can’t go before her like this with everything-  We need to solve this now,” he says standing up and briefly wringing his hands in a nervous gesture.

Thor swallows thickly and looks to Bruce for some guidance.

Loki continues, “Thor.  Six pm tomorrow eve.  In your rooms, you will treat me to dinner and some attempt at civil conversation.  Wear a tie.”  Loki starts to leave then stops at the door, “And Bruce will chaperone.”

Thor is wearing his confused puppy face.  “…chaperone.”

“You know what will happen if we’re alone Thor.”  He leaves and Thor keeps looking a mixture of happy, and sick.

“Friend Bruce, a question?”

“Yeah, big guy?”

“Why would one only wear a neck accessory to woo someone on Midgard?”

Bruce lets Clint rest on the floor.

The date starts off with Bruce being the first person in Thor’s living area.  He and Steve prepared most of the food in the common kitchen, so he brings it up to find Thor’s promised grilled meat steaming in the kitchen and Thor still in his room getting dressed in a suit Clint told him was manly and stylish, not in anyway metrosexual.  Whatever the hell that means.

Bruce helps Thor tie it and then waits in the kitchen while Thor waits at that door.  When Loki gets there dressed in a ravishing red strapless dress.  Thor isn’t sure he's breathing as he lets his brother inside and they sit for dinner and drinks.

“Did you order all the food from a caterer?”

“No, Bruce and Steve prepared the appetizers.” 

Loki nods and is happy to keep chewing, quietly.

“And I prepared the meat!”  Thor says a little louder than necessary, “I mean.  I grilled it, outside on the new balcony.”

Bruce face-palms himself in the kitchen just as Stark calls him up so they text-video each other.  Typing instead of talking to keep the two Norse gods out of their conversation.

Loki takes a bite of his steak, “It’s good. Not overcooked.  I like it very much.  Thank you, Thor.”

“You’re most welcome.”

Stark asks Bruce: How’s it going

Bruce tells: It’s painful and awkward

Stark tells Bruce:  Probably a 1000 years of shared childhood jitters

Bruce groans loud enough to attract attention from the table.  Thor and Loki briefly look up from their plates and stare at the kitchen door.  After a moment they feel assured that Bruce isn’t about hulk out, so they return their meals.

Thor keeps trying, “I’m glad you wanted to do this.  I… I never thought it possibility before.”

“Dating your brother you mean?”

“Yes- this is… This is odd is not?  Trying to win your affections so that… I’m not sure what you mean the outcome to be.”

Loki stops eating.  “I mean to be queen of Asgard, properly.  Not just a war bride won a thousand years ago.”

“But if we returned to mother, now…”

“We would be without Midgard’s good influence and you would ravish me on the Bifrost.  No Thor, that is not how I want to come home to mother.  Raped on the road to the golden throne.”

Bruce losses his appetite.

Thor continues to eat but is smiling, strangely.  “I would _not_ do that.  I would wait until I at least got you in palace.”

Loki blushes, “Well don’t make plans or anything, you oaf!”

Thor chortles, “My sincerest apologies Loki.”

There’s another quiet spell as Loki realizes that the room is a different color.  “This blue is nicer than the red.  It is better suited for you sunny manner.”

Thor nods, “I also like it.”  They keep eating and Bruce just rests his head on the table.

“May I have some more wine?”

“Oh!” Says Thor.  He goes to the kitchen and returns with a bottle of mead from Asgard.  “Since I know neither of us greatly affected by the taste of Midgard alcohol.”

“I see.  Does Stark know you have this?  He would fry his liver in one glass.”

“I rather not talk about Stark…”  He feels a pool a rage starting to stir in his gut remembering how he found them together.

“It’s fine.  You did me favor, actually.  I only would have regretted wasting a few minutes of my life.”

Bruce laughs out loud in the kitchen texts everything just said to Stark.

Stark tells Bruce: I don’t hear you complaining.

 

Bruce hangs up on Stark, and doesn’t text anything.


	9. The Axe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor smiles and takes two boxes (chocolate and strawberry) and prepares to do battle with the Stark technology.

Thor hasn’t seen Loki since he gently showed his brother the door.  After the ‘date’ (as Midgardians are strangely obsessed with food, he thinks) Thor and Bruce clear the table and clean up the kitchen.

Bruce washes the dishes and Thor dries.

Bruce hands Thor a wet plate, “Do you think any good will come of this?  Dating your brother I mean.”

“What else is there, now?  I’m quite open to suggestions,” says Thor, drying and putting the plate  back in its cupboard.

“Maybe you need to try harder to persuade him back to Asgard.  You said your mother could break this thing.”

“Aye, but I can’t force Loki to go.  Not now.”

Bruce gives Thor a sympathetic pat on the shoulder.  And they both look down to where Thor’s shirt is foamy from dish soap.  Bruce offers up a smile as apology and Thor smiles in return, happy at least one of his friends understand.

* * *

 

The next morning Steve is alone eating breakfast in the common room when Thor bellows a greeting to all in the tower.

“GREETINGS TO ALL IN THE TOWER!  How fare you, friends this fine morn?”  He comes into the kitchen wrapped only in a towel.

The Captain puts up his hands, “Whoa, whoa—at ease soldier.”

Thor salutes in response and continues over to the fridge for milk.  The thick towel he’s wearing rides low on his hips, and yet is short enough that Captain America prudishly turns he’s head when Thor leans over and almost exposes himself trying to get butter from a lower shelf.   He thinks better of it and puts it back.  “I was going to have some of your French People’s Toast, but I think I rather have Pop Tarts this morn.”

Steve can’t help but smile, “That’s fantastic!”  He gets up and slaps Thor on the shoulder, “You and Loki have reconciled, then?”

Thor feels suddenly shy, “Mending one argument out of a thousand quarrels does not reconcile anything.  But it does make me… happier.  To at least hold conversation with my brother again.  Even in his present façade.  I only hope we have laid the first brick for the long bridge back to brotherhood.”  Thor finds his stock of Pop Tarts has either gone untouched, or was recently restocked.  He smiles and takes two boxes (chocolate and strawberry) and prepares to do battle with the Stark technology.  He liked the simple toaster at Jane Foster’s more than the complicated touch screen display toaster/coffeemaker with 39 settings Stark invented.  The only Avenger who likes using the thing is Hawkeye.  Bruce once Hulked out when he believed the machine was being hacked by Stark to purposely change his order from green tea to burnt toast.

While Thor is putting in his first eight pop tarts into the machine, he hears Steve gasp behind him.  So he looks and sees what’s surprised the Captain so.

It is Loki.  He wearing his old armor, and he’s definitely male now.  (Well he’s still pretty, he’s always been pretty.)  Loki calmly walks into the room even though he looks ready to do battle.  He pointedly ignores Steve and starts to head for the living room couch.

Steve stands in front of Thor, mouth agape taking in a little gasps of air like a fish.

Thor shouts the obvious.

“BROTHER!  You are a man!”

Loki rolls his eyes.  “Yes, I woke up this way.  Perhaps in your sub-conscious thought you meant to set me free.  We won’t have to go on anymore dates, now.  We can even return to mother.  Then she can lift your father’s curse from the both of us.”  Loki stays seated on the couch, sighing and crossing his leg, as though Thor’s making them both late to return because he is wandering around the kitchen naked. 

Thor still doesn’t take issue with his own state of undress, but simply kneels down by Loki and stares up into his brother’s eyes.  “Are you well?  Is this all honest brother?  Do you truly want to return with me now and make things as they were before I fell to Earth.  Can we be brothers again?”  He looks up with his earnest blue eyes blinking back tears.   All of his hopes are clearly written across his face.

So Loki slaps him.

“Stop that.  Get up and go put some damn clothes on.  I want to be rid of that cursed piece rolled up of parchment as soon as possible!”  Loki crosses his arm and stares forward at the TV screen even though it is not turned on.

Thor grins, and then takes the hand that slapped him and kisses his brother’s knuckles, “Aye Loki.  As you say.”  He gets up and goes over to the still bewildered Captain American and hugs him.  “We’re going home!”  He lets go of the Captain and starts to return to his own room for clothing, when he runs into Clint Barton.

Clint curses.  Thor knocked several brightly colored boxes out of his hand and they both kneel down to retrieve the boxes.  “Its alright, I got it, big guy,” Clint say, picking up the last box.

Thor hands over one, after looking at the label.  “What manner of weapon is a this Tampax Pearl?”

Clint takes the box from him and laughs, “Its not a weapon unless you go to the wrong kind of concert.  These are lady-things.” He makes a disapproving face, “Tash told me to get some for your sister since you know, her Aunt Flo is visiting and everything.”

Thor looks confused but smiles anyway, “You are mistaken, friend.  We have no Aunt Flo.  We have an Aunt Fulla.”

 In the background Steve is blushing, and trying to get back to his breakfast.  Loki looks at Clint out the corner of his eyes and dares the man to continue his explanation.

He does, even as he notices the change in Loki.  “Achem… well.  I see your _brother_ doesn’t need it anymore.  I think.  Aunt Flo is a woman’s period, you know.  Like _that_ time of the month.”

Thor stops smiling.  Loki looks over to see his brother is making his ‘I’m-thinking-really-hard-and-I’m-probably-going-to-hit-Loki-with-Mjolnir’ face.  So Loki decides to intercede for his own preservation.  “I told Lady Natasha, I thought I was coming on.  Not that I needed anything.  It seems my good brother has set me free from having to experience that very unpleasant part of womanhood.  In fact,” he stands up smiling and holding out a hand, “I owe you my thanks, Thor.”

Thor doesn’t take Loki’s hand.  Instead he’s making his, ‘I-am-on-to-you-Loki,-and-will-probably-have-to-hit-you-with-Mjolnir’ face.  Loki hates that look.  So he smiles again and even throws his arms around Thor’s neck.  “I have missed you, brother.  My mind is clearer than its ever been, and I can not wait to see what mischief we can get up to together.  Now that you’ve given you’ve me back my proper form.  You know what this is?  Your honor, manifested in reality.  I’m so proud of you, Thor.”

Loki appears to be genuine to Steve and even Clint.  His eyes shining with unshed tears and bruising grip around Thor’s neck.

Thor hasn’t moved to accept his brother’s embrace.  Instead he takes one large hand and takes Loki by the neck. “No more lies, Loki.”

Steve and Clint move in.  Steve holding out his hands (and his fork) for peace, “Wait a second, Thor.  What’s going on?”

Loki eyes slip to the Captain trying to entreat him for help with a pitiful look, but Thor shakes him roughly by the throat.  “NO more lies.  Tell the truth, Loki.”

Loki stops pretending to be a damsel in distress and his whole manner suddenly hardens.  He pushes Thor away and walks with his arms spread wide.  He’s starting to look hystierical as he explains himself.  “You damn oaf.  What did you think has happen?”

“You could always make yourself a man again.  The parchment held no sway over your form, because I had no want for you to change one way or the other.  I think you have been playing a game here dressed as a maiden all month long, when we could have already returned to Asgard.”

“To what purpose, _brother_?”  Loki sneers and steps further away.  “Return then as an enemy?  Allow mother to tear apart this ill-gotten bond and then I would be at the mercy of your father’s councilmen!  Bound and gagged and thrown back into prison!  Nay, Thor.  I was in no rush.  Even with your lustful mooning at the door.  I could stand it for some days, just as I did before.  Never was I more accepted in the graces of gilded Asgard as I was in the time I spent as Odin’s daughter.”

Thor frowns and but looks no less angry about the revelation.

Clint and Steve circle around Loki, assuming this is where the shit hits the fan and they have to fight the demented god because he’s looking crazier by the second.  (And if Steve sympathizes and kind of wants to go hug Loki instead, that is own business.)  

Clint voices his opinion on the whole matter.  “I told you so.”

Thor summons Mjolnir (it smashes through the windows from behind Loki) and once in his hand, he’s back in his own armor.  The poor towel lies scorched at his feet.  “Enough.  Loki, we are returning to Asgard now.”

Loki calmly steps back and looks out the shattered window.  “I think not brother.  Not unless you command me.  Are you sure you wouldn’t take me still, if we returned alone to Asgard with your father’s curse affecting you so.  How would your precious honor fare then?”  Loki sticks his red tongue out to lick his lips, and Thor’s eyes track the movement.  Loki smirks and turns back to the window.  “That’s what I thought.”

 

Before Thor, Clint or Steve can do anything the God of Mischief jumps out the window.  Thor flings himself after his brother and Clint and Steve go to arm themselves before pursuing the Norse gods.

* * *

 

Up on the roof of the Tower, Tony and Bruce have been experimenting.  And when they finished that they got dressed and started working with a new laser security system. 

Bruce just happened to look over the edge while lugging equipment back and forth between their targets, when he heard the crashing glass.  He looked over and saw the hammer when it first left Thor’s room and crashed into the common room.  He shrugged and kept right on moving a vat of liquid nitrogen.  Since Loki quietly fell out of the window, it is Thor slinging the hammer and nearly destroying the whole back wall of the common room, that gets Bruce to look back over the side.

“Uh oh.”

Tony has ear buds in because he’s been ignoring Jarvis repeated safety citations.  He’s listening to AC/DC when he notices that Bruce hasn’t come back from the ledge.  “Hey, green bean, you want to step back from the 93-story drop?”

Bruce smirks, “I think we may owe Clint some money.”

Tony couldn’t hear.  But he knows the word ‘money’ when he sees it.  He turns off the music and joins Bruce over by the ledge.  “Shit.”

Thor is taking off after Loki down the block.  They stop and fight midair for a moment then Loki disappears altogether.

Bruce finally sits his vat of liquid nitrogen down.  “Clint raised the bet to $23,000 yesterday.  You think he knew about this?”

Tony shrugs, “Who knows.  He had both his hands up Loki’s skirts.  I can’t believe I don’t get anything out of this.  A month, wasted…. Oh wait.”  Tony pulls out his phone and shows Bruce a video clip.  “I still have this.  You think Pepper would mind if I sold it Playboy?”

Bruce sighs, but doesn’t say anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter for this part. I decided to split the original fic I wrote up into a series.
> 
> Thank you for your Kudos and comments ^_^.  
> Let me know if you still like it.


	10. Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doom takes offense to this. He does not know what Loki thinks, but it shouldn’t be that Doom is found lacking.

Latveria is cold but the servants know better than to bring firewood to their master’s chambers today. 

Doctor Doom decides he doesn’t care either way, since he is quite warm under all his blanket and furs.  He has no intention of venturing out from the safe haven of all his bedding.  He does stick his head out, and spies on Loki who is sitting naked near the window, staring out at the snow.

Doom isn’t sure why Loki bothered breaking him out of SHIELD’s confinement, (it’s not as if Doom couldn’t get out on his own) and he hasn’t bothered to ask.

Doom isn’t sure why Loki brought them both here, divested him of his clothing, his mask and his five year celibacy record.  Doom isn’t sure about Loki, but appreciates the chaos and passion the god brings with him.  Also he appreciates the bendiness.  He was not aware such a tall person could be so flexible.  Doom decides not to dwell on that, because he can’t imagine the God of Mischief doing yoga.  The mad man was probably cheating and using his magic.  Doom wouldn’t say (out loud), that he’s fond of Loki. Yet, there’s no one else alive Doom would let set him up for failure then return unannounced begging for favors, shelter, and this time, even comfort.  Anyone else and they’d be dead.

But Loki is different. Cold and untouchable on the outside, but begging for someone, _anyone_ to just love him.  Well, perhaps not just anyone.  Doom doesn’t plan on ruining his good morning with thoughts about the Thunderer or anyone else from Asgard.  Except Loki.  Loki is different. 

Doom thinks instead about how the other man patiently, reverently mapped the scars on his face with his long, skinny cold fingers.  Just as Doom is feeling aroused all over again and about to demand Loki return to bed, Loki looks Doom in the eyes.  Doom sighs and tells Loki to come back to bed.  He should have known better.  Of course there is crying after sex with Loki.  Why did he expect they’d sit around naked and laugh maniacally and make plans to destroy their enemies?  This is Loki.  His feelings are _always_ hurt about something. 

“I’m very sorry for getting you arrested again, Victor.”  Loki curls up on his side while Doom wraps an arm around him.

“Liar.”

“Well.  Yes.”

Victor smiles and hides his face in the place between Loki’s neck and shoulder.  “Are we going to have a super villain confessional?”

“A story?  Perhaps.  There is one in me right now.  But I would not call it a confession to anything.”  He looks backs and frowns.

Doom finds himself grinning and playfully biting Loki on the shoulder, “Well, make believe I’m priest and you can tell me all your sins, you wicked creature.”

Loki laughs, “Gods don’t have to answer to priests.  We are worshiped by them.”

“Good point,” Doom starts to kiss the back of Loki’s neck and the god groans and stretches under him.  He’s still tense and Doom intends to loosen him up a little.  Then take more DNA samples for his collection. 

“Once upon a time,” starts Loki and Doom stops kissing him to roll his eyes and sigh dramatically.

“Oh there is a story.”

“Shut up.  Once upon a time, in a castle far away, in golden halls of the most splendor and brilliance in all the nine realms…”

Doom gives up seeking any physical release and just rests head on Loki’s shoulder, content as one can be to listen to the trickster god’s voice.

“…there lived a little girl.”

Doom wasn’t expecting that and he opts to stay silent.

“She was newly born, the youngest and the favorite prize of the King, her father.  Yet, nothing in her homeland could satisfy her curiosity.  She wanted to branch out and find a world all for herself, so she fell to the earth.  Where she landed, the ground caved in and filled with icy water, so she became a Siren.  At night she sang songs that hypnotized the men of the villages around her new lake and drove them mad with want.  The men would swim out to the middle of lake, chasing her visage in the water, only to drown themselves by the morning.  In the day the Siren never tired of this new wicked life and made sport out of playing pranks on the women and children who were careless enough to come near.

One day a soldier came, knowing the Siren only sung at night, but expecting a foul prank to be played on him instead.  He called out to the Siren…”

“Is the Siren you?”  As Doom, now idly twirling the ends of Loki hair in his fingers.

“Shut up.  The soldier called out to the Siren and told her he had bought her a fine tribute.  She could have it, if only she showed herself.  The Siren appeared in front of him, and though the man was mortal he showed no fear of her.  He sat the small box down and asked if she would accept this gift and let him go on his way.  She opened the box and found a small gold ring with a black pearl fixed in the center.  She had already slipped it on, when the soldier took her by the arm.  ‘You are mine now, lake woman.  That is your wedding ring and by all rights here you have accepted.  Come with me and I will take you home,’ he said.  The Siren was so surprised by this turn, that she allowed her little mortal to take her home and make her a wife.  And she was happy.”

Loki stops and turns away from Doom.  “My first marriage…”

Doom takes Loki’s hand runs his own fingers up and down the hand as he imagines for moment gifting it with a new ring.  He quickly dismisses the thought.  That way would only lead to him being drowned in the morning.  Instead he asks, “So how did that end?  Your poor mortal died of old age?”

“No.”  Loki looks out the window.  “Thor caved in his skull with Mjolnir by Odin’s command.  They dragged me back to Asgard.  They took my sons and daughters.  They told me to never speak of my time on earth again, lest I shame my own name and father and brother.  And now I know why.  All because of,” Loki starts but he abruptly sits up as if just thought of something.

Doom does not appreciate having his covers dragged off.

“And it didn’t work!  Here I am, and I can still feel the bond of the damn thing chaining me the house of Odin.”  He looks at Doom as if the other man is clearly lacking.

Doom takes offense to this.  He does not know what Loki thinks, but it shouldn’t be that Doom is found _lacking_.

“Damn.  You are completely useless,” says Loki, this time throwing the covers off and hastily getting dressed in just his tunic.  “I have need of your library.”

Doom tries to make the bed comfortable again, but it’s not as nice being in the furnace of blankets when there is no cool skin to lie on.

Loki storms out of the room, leaving the door open and letting in even more cold air.

Latveria is cold and the servants know to finally bring firewood to their master’s chambers today, once they notice the tall bare-assed figure is stalking off in the direction of the library.

* * *

 

Thor has seen the footage of Loki breaking Doom out of his prison.  The others say they should go into Latveria and apprehend both criminals but Director Fury reminds everyone that would be declaring war on a small third world country populated with innocent civilians.

“And Doombots,” reminds Clint.

Fury ignores Clint and tells everyone to relax and wait for the next global emergency.  It’s not as if they’d have to wait long.

So the Avengers settle down. 

Stark repairs the damage to the common room.  He sends all of the things he bought Loki to charity and never mentions who the previous owner was.  He wakes up one morning and finds that someone has hacked into Jarvis (or Jarvis is a traitor), and deleted a certain movie file from all his servers.

Natasha makes Clint move the twin bed Loki slept in, back out of her den.  She finds ornate throwing knives hidden everywhere in the room and when Clint lifts the mattress, several fall out onto the floor.  She decides to keep them and add them to her own collection.

Steve tears out several pages from his sketchbook.  They may or may not have featured the sleeping figure of a Frost Giant, but he will neither confirm nor deny that.  Not that anyone in the Tower has bothered to ask.  He finds he has been having a hard time drawing at all since his latest muse threw itself out the window.

Clint finds himself sorting a deck of playing cards and realizes there are a dozen extra cards.  Aces, queens and kings, and on one joker there’s a mark.  He’s sure if he asked Thor what it means, the god will say something like, “Loki was here” or “Loki’d”.  He decides to keep the deck, just in case anyone ever has need of them again.  But he doesn’t tell anyone he has them.

Thor decides to return to Asgard.  After seeing the footage of Doom’s escape, he asks the others to call him immediately if his brother steps foot out Latveria.  But for now, he would not force Loki to do anything.  He seems tired and tells the others he’s received word from Heimdal.  Odin is awake and Thor has many questions for the Allfather. 

Bruce goes to his lab and checks all the medical records he keeps on file for the Avengers.  He sees that Stark needs to eat more, (nothing new there).  Natasha lost ten pounds after her last mission.  He’ll have to find a subtle way to ask her about that.  Clint’s vision is better than perfect.  He wants to schedule some genetic tests to make sure the man isn’t really part hawk.  Thor’s alien physiology is completely the same as a normal man’s.  Except for where all the Thor samples seem to short-circuit his equipment.  And then there’s Loki.  Loki is not an avenger.  But while the green-eyed sorcerer was asleep, Bruce started collecting data.  Some he had to share with SHIELD and Tony.

Some he didn’t.

Bruce smiles as the readings from his new experiment start to compile in a definite pattern.  But he doesn’t say anything.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and for the kudos ^_^


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